My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
