if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
