i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
