i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
