i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
