Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
