so that wasnt chicken after all
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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