I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
