We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
