If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
