i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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