NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
