This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
