It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
