I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize