I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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