And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
