Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize