kristin has been a bad kristin
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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