He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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