If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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