God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
