so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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