You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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