The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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