Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need a beard to bite.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
