just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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