She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
