im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
