he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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