hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
