i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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