Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize