Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize