I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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