what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
