6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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