He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
