i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
