cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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