i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i love accidental penises.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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