My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I believe in your delicious
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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