I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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