It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
