her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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