i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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