Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why are your pants in the freezer?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
