dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
