I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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