meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize