dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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