ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
