I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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