I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize