Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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