dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
