Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
