You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize