I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
